Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh is credited with inventing talk radio. Before him, nobody talked on radio. It was known as the era of tongueless radio. ---- Known as America's Newsman, Rush is considered a Great American by The Greatest President. However, many people just think he is a big fat idiot, evidenced by one of Sean Hannity's most recent alleged statements: "The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio mind corpse to become de-facto leader, turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock." It is also a well known fact that he is a founder and the most important member of the band Rush. Mr Limbaugh began his radio career on KFBK in the city of Sacramento where he began an illicit affair with several barnyard animals in a nearby farm. It was here that Rush gained his greatest notoriety....his weight. Packing on more than 500 pounds and all above the neck, not fat, but brain power. All doorways in studios where Rush works have been altered to allow his swollen orb to pass through, not as security against angry listeners as godless Liberals would have you think. Rush is a decent and pure human being. Nothing is to be inferred from the fact he was recently found returning from a foreign country known for child prostitution while hauling a wheelbarrow full of Viagra. Nope, nothing suspicious there. Rush's Family Values Rush has shared marital bliss with several lucky ladies, but had to dissolve the marriage each time in order to stay married to America. Rush On The Internets Rush's site contains the exact date (1/27/2016) when he feels that Al Gore will destroy Earth. He has also predicted the Bear Uprising of 2012. His site also contains an overwhelming stack of important truthiness. He possesses a great power called bloviation which invalidates all arguments from liberals and any other beings deranged enough who attempt combat his perfect truthiness with facts. Rush On Drugs Limbaugh has been a painkiller addict as well as an avid supporter of the War on Users (all except himself) On October 10, 2003, Limbaugh admitted to listeners on his radio show that he had abused (Chilled on MAD oxy 80's) prescription painkillers and stated that he would enter inpatient treatment for 30 days and come out of the closet, immediately following the broadcast. He did not specifically mention which pain medications he had been abusing, but he did tell us that he loved every minute of it. Speaking about his behavior, Limbaugh went on to say: "Oxycontin 160mg should be made legal and every child should chill on such products, and their parents shall vote Republican". Following Limbaugh's admission of drug abuse, his detractors reviewed prior statements by him about drug use as examples of hypocrisy and lunacy. Several statements were found, in particular, on October 5, 1995: "There's nothing good about drug use except when I use. I know it. It destroys individuals and makes me laugh at how they can't handle their stuff. It destroys families. Drug use strengthens societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country, and they could not be more wrong. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs, but seriously why. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them, except up by my crib. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to have a bong and they ought to be commended and they ought to be sent up to my house so I can see what their sellin!" "What this says to me is that too many whites are getting away with drug use, too many whites are getting away with drug sales, too many whites are getting away with trafficking in this stuff, which only means that I should be making these runs, then I wouldn't have to do radio anymore. The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, and sending them my way, then I'll have all the drugs in the world, party at my mansion, bring the ladies Cheney!!!" Limbaugh later claimed that Americans should "excuse his drug use", as it is all the fault of his "hippy, godless, hill-billy parents", who raped him as a child, and forced him to take hundreds of different drugs; crack, smack, speed, meth, junk, dirt, trash, shit, dope, weed, coke, pot, angeldust, glue, happy pills, and countless others. Rush, brave hero that he is, has managed to kick every last one of these habits, except, of course, for Oxy-Contin. This, he says, is because he can "quit when ever he feels like it." And, the beauty of it is, he "can start again in a couple minutes, or whenever, you know?". It is purported that Limbaugh uses the transcripts of his radio show to roll joints. Rush denies this, as he "kicked that shit yesterday" because its "for gay hippies like Michael J. Fox" Rush on Michael J. Fox Dr. Limbaugh was able to determine that "Mr." Fox has been faking his Parkinson's disease for the past decade, all as part of a clever ploy to film a 30-second ad for Democrats. Fox actually wants to make it legal to snort human embryos in order to get high. Rush has bigly, hugely apologized to Mr. Fox, if in fact, Fox is actually diseased and not merely 'acting.' Rush On Loyalty Dr. Limbaugh announced the day after the midterm election of 2006 that he will quit his job as "water-carrier". He gave no other details, but danced like a Parkinson-faker while he spoke. Rush on Black People "I mean, why didn't these morons leave New Orleans before the hurricane? I'll tell you why: because they wanted to rape and loot! That's just the way some people are! And if they're black — if the rapists and looters are black — it's not George Bush's fault! We've had these problems ever since the Emancipation Proclamation. Once the whites leave town, all you've got is overwhelming lawlessness. That's not racism, Mr. Snerdley; it's a proven, demonstrable fact. Have you even seen a ghetto in Greenwich, Connecticut? I rest my case." "The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies." "They're 12 percent of the population. Who the hell cares?" "They oughta change Black History Month to Black Progress Month and start measuring it." "Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it." "I mean, let's face it, we didn't have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I'm not saying we should bring it back; I'm just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark." "You know who deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor? James Earl Ray. We miss you, James. Godspeed." Rush, Harry Reid and Phony Soldiers IN 2007, liberals infiltrated EIB studios and planted illicit drugs and sabotaged the transmitting equipment. Unbeknownst to America's Inner Voice, what the liberals planted in his studios that day were false and misleading statements they were going to use to frame The Great Mr. Limbaugh with immediately after his broadcast. That day, King Rush finished another telethon (his millionth that week) to help the troops, babies, the homeless and a home for young boys in the Dominican Republic. When out of no where, the equipment malfunctioned and a voice very similar to Rush's (police later discovered it was a simulation device) began insulting the troops and the American way of life. The phone lines lit up, as listeners from around the world (Rush is the highest rating show on Armed Forces Radio) called in to find out what had gone wrong as Rush, the professional that he is, would never use such foul language or be so confused as to misspeak. The liberal media liars were able to post the "speech" online as soon as it was aired along with a transcript, proving they were the ones who created it in the first place. Undeterred, Rush wrote a letter to Harry Reid informing him that he will not stop supporting the troops (and one assumes babies, the homeless and that home for young boys in the Dominican Republic as well). Harry Reid then rewrote the letter and put it up for auction on The eBay, claiming he would send the money to a charity to help homeless baby troops (bot no home for boys in the Dominican Republic) Within seconds, George Soros (using the name "Pelosi's Lover") bought it for $99,999,999.99. Reid claimed the sale of this letter proved he was right and that all the money would go to the Harry Reid Charitable Fund For Homeless Baby Troops, which he would not see one penny of, even though he was the paid director of the foundation. Every god-fearing, American saw through Harry Reid's ploy and denounced it as pandering self-interest and exploiting the very people he claimed he was helping. Rush was forced to have to defend himself against the liberal lies. For the record, Rush never said the following things: * soldiers who dissent are "phony" * soldiers who disagree with The Greatest President Ever are "phony" * soldiers who exercise free speech are "phony" * liberals use soldiers as suicide bombers"...this is such a blatant use of a valiant combat veteran, lying to him about what I said, then strapping those lies to his belt, sending him out via the media in a TV ad to walk into as many people as he can walk into."Media Matters * any soldier for any reason is "phony" * mute soldiers are "phony" * 12-year old boys with paralyzed vocal chords are targets for mockeryPensito Review * my political opponents use charitable organizations to promote their agenda"They're ponying up $10 million a year for a charitable venture to supply investigative reporting at no cost to newspapers...Efforts are being made to wrap this propaganda venture in the cloak of pure public interests."Media Matters Rush then showed the highest level of class by never mentioning the whole sordid affair on his radio program ever again. Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and the Cornhole-thesis Rush Limbaugh was one of the initial members of Sean Hannity's Great Americans fellowship until March of 2009 when Rush questioned the Cornhole-thesis, one of the central tenants of the Great Americans' liturgical code. The Cornhole-thesis posits that Robert Cornhole, the inventor of teeth, was one of America's founding fathers, if not the founding father. On his show, Stephen Colbert, the blessed and worshipful, revealed to the public that Robert Cornhole was a founding father whereupon Rush, desiring that such sacred truths be witheld from the public of un-Great Americans, criticized the thesis on his radio program by stating: "The name Cornhole is too gay to be American, folks. And whether or not Republicans bend over backward or forward for a black president, it is clear to me that anyone who cherishes the name Cornhole is tacitly, nay, passively submitting to a perverse form of Cornholism. We all know Cornholism has been used to defend sodomy. We all know that sodomy is un-Great and thus un-American. We all know that black presidents, to say nothing of black politicians, are sodomites." In a flurry of apologies, GOP operatives, including GOP leader Michael Steele apologized to Rush for "perversities unspeakable." But on his own show, Sean Hannity stated: "The vacuum in Republican leadership has allowed a mean-spirited, lard-assed talk radio mind corpse to become de-facto leader, turning an already crippled party into a bickering laughing stock. And to call into question the Cornhole-thesis is un-American. Apparently Rush has forgotten to read my book, "Cornholed: The Gay Liberal Academic Agenda for America," where I clear up all uncertainties regarding the accusation that Robert Cornhole was ever a flamboyant homosexual. This is a crisis for Great America, my friends, but we must be vigilant in times of rampant sodomy and resolve that, while we may after all be Cornholians we certainly aren't gay." Hannity did offer to lick Rush's crack on his broadcast a day later and Rush accepted. But Hannity has yet to offer a statement as to whether Rush will be reinitiated into the Great Americans fellowship. What's more, Stephen Colbert, may his name be praised, has yet to prophecy concerning the matter. Incidentally, Glenn Beck has called upon Colbert to "put on his seer stones, translate Great American scripture and bring our fellowship to prominence as the great Joseph Smith Himself, another in the lineage of Great Americans, once led when the world was dark, uncornholy and extraordinarily gay." At present, Rush's crack is clean but he remains a Great American in exile. The Church of Latter Day Saints, on the bidding of Glenn Beck, has offered Rush temporary refuge in a youth ministry position that he might retain his position as grand pedophile should his exclusion from the Great Americans limit his viagra-induced, erectile hyper-function. Rush Limbaugh Trivia * Rush Limbaugh is an all American Patriot * He is an excellent breakdancer, as shown on The Report * He eats nine turkeys every morning, bones and all. * Mr. Limbaugh and Papa Bear O'Reilly share many of the same viewpoints. REAL Americans Reporting REAL News. * Rush loves his grandmother * Rush Limbaugh has graciously offered to donate painkillers to any Republican senate candidate who lost the 2006 elections if they give birth to a potential republican voter after receiving a uterus transplant. * Rush and Tony Snow are the two biggest feminists alive today. * In 1969, Rush was the first person standing in the draft line to fight in Vietnam, but couldn't go due to a chafing cyst on his anus. How Rush Is Like An Elephant Rush took charge of the Republican Party in late 2008/early 2009. Since then, many people noticed similarities between Rush and the party's mascot, the elephant. Those similarities are listed below * they're both fat **shit, but not so much anymore. Denying Persistent Rumors About Pedophilia And Addiction Mr. Limbaugh has always been an upstanding American. He loves his country and spends hours on the radio saying as much. Every Real American© tunes in every day and trusts his every word on every topic. However, in the interests of fair and balancedness, Wikiality.com, as a defender of Real Americans© must disclose a dastardly plot perpetrated on the internets by filthy, filthy liberals regarding the pristine reputation that Mr. Limbaugh has spent years cultivating. It turns out, many a liberal wish to besmirch this great American with rumors questioning Mr. Limbaugh's patriotic nether regions. Specifically desires of an insidious sort. The liberals claim Mr. Limbaugh has been consorting with savage brown children in the Domincan Republic and partaking in excessive amounts of prescription medications. Then, they had the nerve to demand he respond to their lewd accusations. Wikiality.com has consulted with Mr. Limbaugh's legal team and would like to report that Mr. Limbaugh has no intention of dignifying these scurrilous charges with an on-air response, no matter what "evidence" the liberals manage to gather. Furthermore, Mr. Limbaugh's lawyers would like to clarify that where a man vacations, what he takes with him, what he brings back and the type and amount of medications he ingests is of no concern to liberals. Not during wartime, when our brave soldiers are risking our lives for those very same freedoms: the freedom to travel and the freedom of luggage. It would do the liberals good to respect a man's privacy and show some patriotism during these dangerous times. Regular Sponsors Of Rush's Radio Program! * Carbonite, a company that sells online storage to back up one's computer, because it's hard to find external hard drives without them See Also *Bill O'Reilly *Ann Coulter *Sean Hannity *Real American *shameless *Stemcellocracy Footnotes External Tubes *Rush Limbaughpedia * Official Biography! * Rush Fansite *Rush's Favorite Long and Firm Treat *Rush in Time Magazine artistically drawn *Vanity Rush *Rush's Al Gore Doomsday Countdown - a wacko World Destruction scenario without Satan * Rush's Glorious Childhood! *Rush Limbaugh to receive "Medal of Freedom" for saving America's Health Care *Rush Limbaugh to rescue Free Market *Rush Limbaugh uncovers new evidence that Obama caused 9/11